I am not going to lie, something has my soul churning as of late. Maybe it’s the heat, maybe it’s the time of year, maybe it’s my 40-something body and hormones, maybe it’s the damn moon. Whatever it is, I have, once again, felt like I need to run through a brick wall. Just when I think that I have processed all my shit, something resurfaces. I know the churning well. She is quite a tenacious beast and the only way to settle the fire is to run it out of her. So, I have taken up running again. Note to reader: I. Am. Not. A. Runner. I do not have this gazelle-like presence nor am I anything remote to speedy. To me, running was a form of maniacal discipline when I played sports in high school and so it is no surprise that I would not have developed a love for it. It was about 7 years ago that I first became aware of this churning. I was deep in my addictions and I needed something to get clean, feel strong and provide a therapeutic release of all the anger, fear and grief I was processing. So I took up trail running. I didn’t care about my speed, I didn’t care how difficult it was at times or how much my body would hurt after an incredibly long run. What it did do for me, was provide my first sense of moving meditation, clear my mind, release the demons and although the last 2 years did not have running on my daily exercise regimen, the need to have intense physical activity on a daily basis has always been present.
I am unsure why I have this drive to physically extract my poison. After some consideration, I see this as a tremendous gift from the universe. I am surrounded by people who are suffering from addiction and hardship. I turn on the news and see more who are suffering from injustice and persecution and displaying a hate and negativity that is beyond my comprehension. On a daily basis, I think of someone who is deep in the daily struggle of trying to get sober. On a daily basis, I think of someone who is deep in the daily struggle of remaining sober. On a daily basis, I think of someone fighting for their sanity. On a daily basis, I think of someone who is fighting for their safety. There is not one individual that can say addiction, mental illness or trauma has not touched their life. I wonder what it is about the churning that pulls some people to death and other people to life and the realization comes easily….love of self.
It all starts with YOU. As a problem solver, I wish they sold love in a bottle. The most powerful cure to so many emotional ailments and the remedy to the hate, the anger and the fear that drives so many of society’s struggles. I wonder further, if someone could bottle this, what would it look like? How large would the bottle be? Would it be a lifetime dose or would you have to be regularly inoculated and finally, how much would it cost? Tragically, I know there is no amount of money that can fix addiction or hate or injustice or persecution. That struggle, the struggle for the health and well-being of the soul, has to be fought for, tended to and cared about deeply, otherwise, it could be sold and given away so easily, without regard and would not be considered so important.
I recognize that your struggle is real and I recognize that my solution, won’t be your solution. I will not, however, recognize your willingness to give up the fight. I write this blog today as a plea, a plea to anyone who is in the depth of their own personal struggle. Be vulnerable enough to allow for the help you need to ooze into your dark corners and bring to light the possibility of a life that allows for the realization of your self-worth. Do not give up hope that days can be full of love and that life is a gift. Be brave to speak your truth, whatever that may be and at whatever cost. Be willing to stand up for decency and stand next to someone who’s struggle you do not know, but know that they do not deserve injustice. Our only job really, is to love. Not easy, incredibly difficult at times, but it is that simple, it is that straightforward and it is that brave.