I know. It’s been awhile. The last month of 2017 and the first few months of 2018 have been wild to say the least. Evacuations, natural disasters and all sorts of chaos, uprooting and needs to be met far greater than my own have been preoccupying my time….or so I told myself.
To be honest, I have been a bit of a struggle bus the past few months. My depression was returning more intensely than I had previously experienced and it felt terrible to be in my body. My yoga practice was forced, my running routine was exhausting. I had no motivation to meet up with friends, but felt tremendous guilt by not maintaining those connections. I was in a constant battle of what to eat and if I should drink, when to sleep and when to caffeinate and push on. I was physically and emotionally exhausted from the demands of 2 careers and every intervention aimed at caring for my self wasn’t working. It had been 2 years of being in this physically weird place where my body was being pulled back and forth between new habits and old but rejecting everything new and old that I was trying to nurture it with. After some soul-searching, some realization and finally, resignation, I restarted my anti-depressant medication. The depression was something that I could no longer tolerate and had no idea why I was experiencing it. Defeat, resignation and failure were the emotions du jour in December and January. I had no other space for outside events, friendships, or anything other than resting and giving this medication an opportunity to help me as a last resort to finally feel GOOD again. Sure, I could experience joy and of course, love this new career. But what the hell was this space? What was this constant struggle? The subsequent head space of depression, potential resignation and fatigue were exhausting and consequently, when you don’t feel good in your body, your mind becomes crazy, preoccupied and your enemy. But, I continued to move on from day-to-day and days became weeks, which turned into months.
Neglecting this blog was never something I meant to do, however, I realized in the course of this surrender, my story was and is really no longer important, but my mental health, my physical energy and the subsequent delivery of a message that will help others, of service, are.
I truly enjoy life. When I finally recognized that the struggle was the need to release certain unrealistic personal expectations, remaining guilt, non-fullfilling relationships, old habits and long time unrealized goals, the rest happened, balance achieved, energy restored and yes, finally, all the good feels. When I shifted my attitude and focus to just pure compassion for myself FIRST and then others, the shift occurred…and maybe, yes, the med kicked in. Either way, there is no contentment or Santosha in silently struggling, being caught up in your own story or disconnecting from things that make us most uncomfortable. Find faith in the admission of your fears, develop hope in serving yourself and know that your struggle with eventually fall away.