caregiving · Nursing · Passion · Purpose · Relationships · RN · Self-care

What is it that you have learned my dear?

FullSizeRender (4)My last post was exactly one year ago. While it has been quite a year, the reflection required, the effort required to begin again and navigate the changes that this year has brought, I felt compelled to take a look back and not only give this blog a proper ending, but wrap it up at the end of a very difficult year. To provide a frame of reference, this blog was a way for creative expression, for healing and connecting, telling my story that in someway may inspire others. For now, my formal sharing ends, but my opportunity to listen, to model and to identify my next steps of service begin.  But I do have some final thoughts.

To go back to the beginning of 2019, I found myself needing to align my decisions with my core values. The work of identifying what these were and then aligning each and every decision from that place initiated an unpacking of a life I had become accustomed to and an eventual surrendering of a dream that I thought would be the pinnacle of my life. The why has always been important to me, but in recognizing that there is failure and at times, flawed decision making in what we think is the right thing at that time is still something I am working to reconcile. But in evaluating my intention to align my life, here is where I stand.

I no longer teach yoga at a studio, in fact, I do not have a physical yoga practice. I teach a short, 45-minute, simple, flow class at my place of employment one time a week, free of charge. I meditate daily, a seated practice, if you will and my moving meditation consists of cycling at an amazing, community centered studio that contains cues to breath, connection to the body, kickass playlists and finding the beat. Sorry, not sorry yoga, I need endorphins,, and what I ultimately recognized was that I believe in moving meditation, the power of community and that music played in an intention to inspire is what brought about my healing. My full-time corporate job in a compliance role that I am able to draw upon my now 22-years of nursing experience is more aligned with the value of integrity that was at many times absent during my tenures as a manager and leader. I have been sober since December 12, 2018 and I have no desire to even have a social drink. You see, that desire to remain connected to myself is what led to an eventual discovery of my self worth. For me, the priority of being present far outshines a Saturday night buzz and that missed opportunity of a true connection. I know I am doing something right when my 6-year old niece says, “Auntie, teach me yoga…I need to calm down.” I would’ve never heard these words a few years ago.

If your life isn’t rooted in service, it doesn’t matter. Ultimately, a busy, full life requires caring for yourself in the biggest way. When I started this blog, I didn’t understand what that fully meant. Those that care for themselves, find themselves worthy of that care and once you realize your worth, the service part is easy, whether it is just to yourself or others.

As I move into 2020, I am drawn to the following quote by Cleo Wade. “If your dreams came true, would they only change you or would they change the world?” While my journey to Santa Barbara did change me, my intention was to only change me, that much effort was required. Moving forward, I know I am capable of more and that my dreams will grow with me toward that bigger change. So, I continue to dream, I continue to work, I continue to care and I continue to give. Happy New Year friends….XOXO.

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